For the last week and a half I've been unable to get a good night's sleep.  I try to go to bed early, and end up sleeping around 2am.  I do the thing everyone does when they can't go to sleep, I look at the time and calculate ... if I go to sleep right now I'll get "X" hours of sleep.  An hour later I do the same thing.  Over and over again.  Calculating and thinking.  Thinking, thinking ... always with the thinking.

It's getting to the point where the slight sleep deprivation is causing me to see things I wouldn't usually see, and think of things I wouldn't usually entertain.  I'm starting to believe that I'm not human, but that I've been in this "body" long enough to start having human type tendencies ... and I need to reject them ... because I am not like the "beings" of this earth. 

I really need to get some sleep.  Like right now, but I won't ... .

Seriously.  Right now I need a drink, a good strong one.  Strong enough to knock any sense out of me and just relish in the intoxication.  At this moment I just feel like I'm freely floating along with nothing to hold on to, and I have no idea where I'll end up. 

The Kween of the Queens Challenge:

Things That Happened To Me Before I Was 10:

1. Walking to school with Joanne, a family friend.  She would buy me Mike & Ike candies on the way back home - hence my fondness for those particular candies.
2. Had my tonsils removed.  I recall the nurse bathing me in shockingly cold water, also after the surgery vomiting blood (or at least what seemed like blood to me) and being rushed out of my room. 
3. Forging my parents signature on "white slips" from school.  They were notices that made parents aware of bad behavior or missing homework.
4. Taking trips to Mexico every summer, stopped going in 1988 when I started high school.  Some excursions were to Acapulco, Puerto Vallarta, Mexico City, and various places in between.  The most memorable was going to the Chapultepec Zoo and seeing the panda bears - which were big news at the time.
5. I remember throwing a tantrum in the store when my Aunt wouldn't buy me the new Michael Jackson "Thriller" album.
6. My pediatrician (who just retired last year), Dr. Magarian - but I called her Dr. Margarine.
7. Family trips during Christmas to Disneyland, I always looked forward to the end of the year when we would go.
8. My dad's company picnics held at Marineland, which no longer exists.
9. Moving from an apartment to our current house.
10. My mom and dad getting us the much envied Cabbage Patch Dolls, I still have it too.

That's pretty much all I recall for now.  Seems like my childhood wasn't too bad, even with two annoying siblings ... LOL!

Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us - and those around us - more effectively.  Look for the learning.
- Louisa May Alcott

I saw this today while surfing through Xanga and thought it VERY much applied to my life at this very moment.  Now that the dust has settled a bit I can't believe how much I let things get out of control.  Now I see that I need to gain my focus once again.

Can I say that I'm scared to get married.  This goes beyond "cold feet", I think I have frost bite!  In a way I know a lot will change in my life, but I'm unsure of what changes are in store that I start overthinking things.  I get even more anxious with so many of my friends getting divorced after being married for so long, it makes me wonder how my own relationship and marriage will be any different. 

Does anybody every really feel truly ready for marriage? 

As the months slip away I feel more and more trapped for some reason.  Even planning this thing isn't positive in any way.  At times I feel like just having the ceremony with the both of us, minister and witness - no family.  Then I start thinking, would it be so bad to just live together and not get married at all.  It's like this whole wedding event thing is sucking the life out of me and I am despising it.  I'm not a party or event person, and I feel it so much right now.

Right now I just want a break from it all, not even think about it.  Weddings are SO EVIL!!!!

I'm certain everyone has been here, is here and maybe a lucky few have gone past here.  Here is a state of confusion and questioning.  The closer some things get the more real they become, and then it just becomes too much - the colors too bright, the sounds too loud and the tastes so overwhelming that you don't know where you are standing anymore.  Somedays I wake up and can't believe I'm 33 because I feel like I'm more like 3 years old, and honestly I would like to stay there.

We invaded Disneyland today ....

Last Saturday I went to Disneyland (surprise, surprise) to celebrate a friend's 21st birthday.  We gathered at the Grand Californian Hotel, and I met up with my friend for a picture with Santa.  I, of course was all decked out in my suit and tie.  I had no clue how to tie a ... tie, so I asked around and they recommended sexytie.com to me.  Sure enough, in no time I was tying a full windsor!  Funny thing too, when I was meeting my friend in the line for Santa I literally bumped into Diane Keaton ... what a coincidence!

Here's a picture of my and another friend enjoying some hot chocolate an hour before midnight.

I have to admit, I don't know how I truly came across this group of folks but I am happy I found them.  Certainly our passion for Disney is what brings us together, but there are other things beyond that which keep us coming for more.

Here I am with my co-workers posing ... can't believe I agreed to this picture!

Good grief!  As the year is ending I am getting way too busy with work.  I usually end up leaving around 6pm just to make sure everything is taken care of, but at least when I get home I get to pass out and just do nothing.  Being a grown up sucks sometimes.  Although the only reason I do this is because I live about 15 minutes from work, so it isn't too bad ... and getting to see the glowing green lights of The Staples Center every evening is kinda cool.

I have to admit, even though I've been working too much life is good at this moment.  Things are simple and easy for now, and I seriously don't want that to change ... but I know it will.  So, I guess I might as well enjoy it!