May 9, 2005

  • I never had a real mom, but
    I've had a mom that's real
    In all the things that moms should do,
    And all the things moms feel.

    I never had a mother, but
    I've had a mother's love.
    I've had the kisses and the hugs
    That therapists speak of.

    I guess I should be crazy with
    The things that I've been through.
    But I've had all a kid could need
    Because I have had you.

    - Nicholas Gordon

    I really identify with this poem and the
    feelings I have towards my mother, yet as the weekend progressed I
    started to really analyze my relationship with her and what were my
    true feelings for her.

    I had bought her the teddy bear and a card, yet I hadn't written
    anything in it so my mind went to working as to what I could put in the
    card.  Saturday afternoon I was in the back with my brother,
    sister and father.  My father asked us what we had gotten for her
    and nobody had gotten anything (except me), nor did they plan to
    either.  My sister and mom have a rather strained relationship, my
    brother is just indifferent to the whole thing.  And, when I
    thought about it I came to the realization that regardless of the mind
    fucks she puts us through at times she has NEVER ceased to provide us
    with the things a mother should do.

    She feeds us, clothes us, keeps the house clean and at one time bathed
    us and took care of us to make sure we became productive adults. 
    I am at least thankful for that.  Thankful for the fact that she
    didn't just ignore us and have us fend for ourselves.  To be
    honest, the example that my mother and father set for me as parents
    intimidates me.  I wonder at times if I can be as good as they
    are. 

    Sunday wasn't a day filled with much fanfare though.  I gave my
    mother her card and bear, told her I'd take her out next weekend when
    things weren't so crowded.  Dad got her some real nice flowers
    too.

    And, if you're curious.  I decided to just go for the walks with
    my mom.  Still don't talk during them, but that's because I walk
    and jog.  She just walks, but she takes our unruly little dog with
    her.  But, I'm learning to go past this now ... slowly but surely.

    In other news.  My laptop seems to be going from bad to worse, and
    oddly enough it always happens after my brother uses it.  So it
    makes me wonder.  The other evening I couldn't even use AIM
    anymore, nor go online - though it showed I was connected.  So
    that obviously pissed me off.  But, because of that I just won't
    be online at all this entire week - I'll just reformat the hard drive
    on the weekend and reinstall all the junk I need to ... hours of fun
    that is.  Thankful for technology though ... I can at least still
    log on to my Yahoo IM through my cell phone.  So, if you see me
    "mobile" this week and want to chat ... feel free to IM me and tell me
    to call you ... or for those lucky to have my number you can call me
    ... LOL!  And here I thought computers are supposed to make my
    life BETTER!


Comments (11)

  • did u get anything from me????? i sent it  ru at the computer now? m/b

  • strange i sent it at 1;04 am   m b

  • It's like that with jesse's parents.  He says the same thing all the time.  He hopes he could be half the man his father is.  The compelling thing is that to me, they really aren't anything extraordinary.  However, he sees the little things that are ingrained in him, and they are important.  So, I guess you reach a point where you hope you can achieve all that your parents have, because being a parent, much less, just being a human being....;) is quite a trip!

  • its beautiful that u c things the way u do ... your parents are very lucky.
    I think u did the right thing by getting a teddy and a card for your mom. cus if u hadnt done it you were gonna feel so crappy afterwards ... right? :) ... and i'm also glad u're taking walks with her.. even if u dont say a word .. eventually the ice will break. and if it doesnt then its not because u didnt try. -- we can never be wrong when we do what the heart tells us to.

    - as far as your laptop and your brother using it .. u know .. its the darnest thing. i keep telling my hunnie bout this ...
    i believe computers have a very special relationship with their owners or users. .. and the minute somebody else uses the computer, something happens. its like if the computer "knew" it was being touched by someone else.
    this is why i am always reluctant to touch a computer thats not mine.
    hope u have a great week .. and a smooth reformatting! ;)

  • Just drifted in from another site ! Enjoyed my visit here !  Have seen and read your comments over at Mike's site.  Yes computers are supposed to make life better but they sure so add to the stress when they don't function!   

     thought through the looking glass

    Karolyn    @-}-}--

  • chin up ur strong and turned out to be a wonderful person they did something right .yes?sheila

  • I'm very happy that you can see the good things your mother has done for you. and i'm extremely happy that you are going on the walks and not giving up on them. i truely think in time that you will start bonding with her. maybe she will change her ways and become a loving caring mother for good. *i don't know all the detials and am guessing she's not been there very often for you when you needed her*

  • ((((hugs)))) Sorry you're still having computer problems... RYC: I wasn't talking about you or anyone who subs to me... I was saying I miss the people who don't even know I have a site (laughs).  No worries.  I think we just communicated on Friday or something... I've been busy and then resting... not sure.  The weather has been perfect!  (smiles and spins in circles)  He's drained the pool and now I have to paint it... of well... I did it the first time... I laid the mosaic tiles down too!  :o D  I'll take pictures when, I'm done.  Love you!

  • "To be honest, the example that my mother and father set for me as parents intimidates me"  When I read that it was like YEsssssssssss I know that feeling exactly.  thanks

  • I was a daddy's girl and my mom had to pass before I really appreciated what she had done for us. As an added irony, each year I seem to resemble my mother in words and actions!!!! Nature or Nurture?

    I go completely bonkers when one of my computers bites the dust!! I don't envy the task you have of reformatting, etc.

  • Your efforts will pay off sooner or later.

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